prollycomatose

Let me sit back and think about my day first.

One. I borrowed the movie, Munting Tinig, from my Teacher because it's a part of our discussion. I missed some parts of the movie because I was absent. I have been waiting for her to give it to me for quite some time and I'm glad that she finally had the time to lend it to me. I watched in when I got home. I realized how lucky I am for being able to go to school and have really supportive parents. I should really love my life.

Two. I have finally finished my article for the school magazine! Cue for dance party to start! I am hoping that everything would go smoothly during the meeting for the members of the school magazine tomorrow.

Three. I have forgiven my friend (who I kept my hard feelings from for a day and a half) and just acted like nothing happened. I was upset because she knows how it feels like to be an officer but she never listened to me when I asked her politely to go back to her seat. I then gave her a snobbish look. I was aggravated! Who wouldn't be? But then I realized how low it was for me to get mad at a friend just for that and then I let my hard feelings go away.

I have been very gloomy ever since the break up. I don't understand why I feel so sad and empty. Ela has a point.  I most certainly feel like I have lost my sense of purpose in this world. I feel rather insignificant, unworthy, useless, everything!

It has dawned on me that I have always been the Ms. Darkside. I find it hard to be optimistic and look at the bright side to everything. Why? Because all of the disadvantages to a situation is the only thing I can ponder in such moments.

Ela and I have finally decided to find ways to be "happy" again. To kick things off, she'd said to seek good things that happen to us in a week. At least three in a day would do. To start small, she says.

Hmm.. let me cite some instances where in good things did happen to me today.

First, I am thankful for being the highest in the Filipino Periodical Exam in my class. I got 72/101. But to be honest, I think I could have done better that's why I still think it's a low mark. I'm afraid that people think I'm being boastful when I say my grade is low because I think it really is. I guess they just don't see it the way I do. But nevertheless, I am still grateful for having been blessed with this knowledge. I was never good in Filipino and being able to accomplish something like this is truthfully fulfilling for me.

Second, my adviser found some time to let out some of her grief after I took the make up test. I really appreciate it when people, especially the most unexpected ones, are able to open up to me and trust me with their feelings.

Third, I like it when I'm being honest or when I do something right, even if I just let my teacher recheck my paper to put a cross mark on the wrongly checked numbers. Even though my score will be decreased, at least I know that I have done the right thing. And I know that if I have never turned that in then I would be lying to myself and to everyone else and make them think that that would be the capacity of my understanding and learning in that curriculum.

If I keep this up, I'd be Little Miss Sunshine in no time!

No, I haven't forgotten. I haven't given myself the chance to fully erase you from my heart. But I've done a pretty good job hiding the truth -- that I miss you, that I still love you, that I still think about you every single day.

I still remember the first time I met you. I was wearing my black shirt, a white jacket, and my favorite pair of jeans. Suddenly, I felt like someone got a grip of my hand and started writing on it. 

I slapped you.

"Ouch! What was that for!"

"Ooh, I'm sorry! I just got shocked!"

But of course, I wouldn't want to remember all the details. It would only make me miss you more.

Sorry, sorry for making you feel like you're worth nothing to me anymore, that you're just a memory of my past soon to be forgotten. I know all I ever really did was driving you away. What can you expect? I wasn't going to make a fool out of myself anymore. I wasn't going to give you another chance of breaking my heart. I know I told you that I can't forgive you but that's not true. I already did, a long time ago. That's how much I love you but to show you how much you mean to me would only mean that I'm risking the healed part of me to be wounded once more. And to go through the same pain again is not worth it, even if it's because of you.

I thought, at least, that I'm done with you, that I don't want anything to do with you, that I despise every single thing that would directly lead me to you. I constantly remind myself about the past -- one which I've been hiding from. 

But no, I think it's all a lie. I've brainwashed my own heart and made it believe that if ever I was going to be with you again, it wouldn't be worth it -- the pain, the never-ending fights, the love I would hesitantly make you feel. In fact, all I really want right now is you, everything of you. Your smile, your hug, your kiss, your love, just simply you. Recently, all I have been yearning to do is to call you.

Just when I finally gathered all the strength I needed to dial your number, the operator told me that you're number has already been deactivated.

Thinking about coincidence, I guess this is one way of  telling me that our paths will never cross again and I guess it's better that way. 

Just so you know, I still yearn for you, so bad, that it makes me feel blank. 

I think it's healthy for me to cuss from time to time. But I can't anymore since trying to maintain a good image in school is very hard. It also means I have to refrain from cursing through Facebook. And since Tumblr is being a bitch, I can't do my day-to-day ranting.

During the Miting de Avance, all I really wanted to do was go to the center stage and just shove my middle finger up the fourth year guys' asses. They were unbelievably disrespectful that being in the same school with them was very humiliating for me already.

"Why are you laughing? Do you think it's easy to stand here?", our running President said that and I just wanted to burst in tears. The Fourth year students were laughing and howling. Frankly, I think they're just jealous because they're ugly. Unlike our President, he's popular in school and he's smart. Them? Hmph, they have nothing on him. I bet that's why they're being like that.

The time allotted for both parties were just ten minutes. But it was very unfair because the opposing party consumed thirty minutes and we were only given fifteen minutes. Also, the video that was made by our fourth year supporters wasn't played and that's very insulting for our part. 

And, to the opposing party's president, I just wanted to say that you asked Matt a very personal question and for that you should get five hundred thousand punches in the face. And to his supporters, well just a big god damn fuck you. Stop disrespecting us as if we did something very extraordinary to hurt you mother fuckers! You guys have just done too much things to hurt, not only me, but us, to the extent that I CRIED.

I'll end this post with a saying "Karma's a bitch."

Finally! We've finished campaigning today! Yes, it was still very stressful and depressing since the Fourth Years treated us badly. I almost cried when we were campaigning in one of the sections of the Fourth Year. There was even an instance wherein one student from that section bumped one of our campaign managers. Yes, tension is rising. Another happening that would make me say that the supporters of each party are getting way too personal is when our poster was found on the ground and it reached the third floor from the fifth floor, wet. We didn't have any evidence to prove that maybe some of the opposing party's supporters did that but since our supporters were extremely angry, one of them picked up the opposing party's poster, tore it, and dumped it inside the trash can.

I don't want any kind of mess to rise just because of the elections. Whoever wins, wins. We all ran for a reason and that's to serve the school. This is not just some popularity contest. This is serious business. But, of course, that doesn't have to mean that we would have to get too personal with everyone and start tearing each others' throats.

We had a run through of our presentation with Mr. Bacorta earlier. He was upset with the other party because their presentation was unorganized and it was obvious that they weren't prepared. I was glad to see Sir smiling when he watched our performance. Though it wasn't complete, at least we know that he was very much pleased.

Tomorrow's the day -- Miting de Avance. It's the day that we can show the student body our skills, our talents, our capabilities, and we will be given the chance to discuss our platforms. Tomorrow is our time to shine. The voters will base their chosen candidates for tomorrow's presentation. I am really scared. I haven't been in front of a large crowd in a very, very long time. I'm scared of committing mistakes. And for the open forum, I'm afraid that I might freeze. I might say the wrong things and give off the wrong impression to the audience.

But I know that I just have to believe in myself. I can do this. Think positive, Vivien!

I decided on creating a Livejournal to explore another blogging site that has a vast population of good writers. Also, I wanted to take away my informal way of writing that I usually do on Tumblr just for the kicks. 

Most probably, I would post more serious things here. This blog will be more organized, too, especially with the tags.

Sadly, the username profaneinsanity has already been taken and it doesn't make me feel an inch better after a really long day. I just came up with "prollycomatose" and it doesn't make sense at all. Though, my original idea was "probablecomatose" but Livejournal is so strict and picky and didn't allow any username exceeding the number of fifteen.

I want to keep track of my day to day life. Writing it down in a notebook (diary) just became very time consuming it has indeed become uninteresting. Right now, I prefer typing things down since it's more comfortable for me rather than to write it all down in a notebook especially when you are time deprived and you have a lot of things to jot down.